How I Learned To Love My Body (And How You Can Too)

As a fitness coach and former obese teenager, I've been on both sides of the weight loss journey. I know what it's like to feel trapped in a body you don't love, to try every diet and workout plan out there, only to feel more frustrated and defeated with each attempt. But I also know the incredible power of learning to love your body, even as you work to change it.

The Struggle is Real (And It's Not Just You)

Let's be real for a moment. Our society is obsessed with how we look, and we're taught to be self-critical from young. We nitpick at everything we think isn't aligned with the standard of 'ideal' beauty. And if we don't feel the need to, those around us likely will reinforce these exacting beauty standards. I remember being 16, walking home from school in my uniform, when a stranger stopped me to say: "Eh girl, you know you very fat or not? Must lose weight!" I was shocked speechless... but what could I have said? My teenage self didn't know how to respond and laughed it of... but went home for a good cry back home in the privacy of my bedroom.

But it wasn't just strangers who were brazenly enforcing societal expectations of how the 'ideal feminine form' should be. My own family constantly compared me to other girls, pointing out my flaws in what they thought was "encouragement" for me to improve on myself. I remember vividly once when I was in the car with my family and we were waiting at a junction, and there was a wispy teen standing next to our window, waiting to cross the road. My mom turned back to me from the front seat, pointed to her and said "Hey, look at her! She's so pretty; why can't you be like her? Lose some weight and you can too."

In Singapore, these comments often come from a place of concern, but they can be incredibly damaging. There's a prevailing belief that tough love and direct criticism will motivate change. But in reality, it often leads to a harsh internal dialogue that's hard to shake. Till today, I do have days when I don't feel confident or fully happy with how I look. But I've come a long way from those days when I'd take these words to heart and constantly play them on a loop in my head; a discordant tune that's impossible to shut off. If you've had the same experience coping with these seemingly 'well-intentioned' comments, this is for you. Maybe what I share might seem like an impossibility, after years of conditioning ourselves to be hyper-critical and conscious of how we are perceived in the eyes of society. But what I hope to help you discover is just a consciousness of how others' words shape our internal dialogue... and that we have the ability to take back our power and shape our self-perception.

Today, I'm excited to be diving deep into the lessons I've learned about embracing self-love after embarking on my journey of losing 100lbs.

Cultural Expectations and Body Image

Now before I delve into how I developed self-love, it's important to recognize how cultural expectations shape our perception of body image. In many Asian societies, there's an emphasis on conformity and meeting societal standards. This can create intense pressure, especially for women, to achieve a certain body type. I personally experienced intensely while growing up as an obese teenager in Singapore. Family gatherings often involve unsolicited comments about weight. "Wah, you put on weight ah? Better watch out!" or towards my brother: "You so skinny, must eat more!" These remarks, while often well-intentioned, can reinforce the idea that our worth is tied to our appearance.

The constant bombardment of external voices can make it even harder to develop a positive body image.

I definitely felt this. Even after losing a ton of weight and gaining lean mass, it's hard to please everyone and fit into the mold of an 'ideal Asian female physique'. And I've learnt that it's completely okay. I wrote about this in-depth in my article on the struggles I faced when I started lifting in the gym. Read here to learn how I overcame my fears of becoming 'manly' with strength training (and many other lifting myths!)

The Turning Point: From Self-Hate to Self-Love

My weight loss journey definitely started from a place of self-hatred. But even after I lost so much weight and even with defined abs, I still felt deeply unhappy with how I looked. That's when I realized a profound truth: no matter how much weight I lost, if I didn't love myself, I'd never truly be happy.

This realization changed everything. I was sick of looking at myself in the mirror and feeling miserable... worrying about my weight, how others would perceive me, seeking validation through comments like 'Wow, you're lost so much weight Mabel!' It wasn't an easy shift but I decided to start focusing on how I *felt* instead of just how I looked. Was I getting stronger? Was I taking care of myself? Slowly, I began to appreciate my body for what it could do, not just how it looked. It definitely helped to look up to role models and build a positive community, like the one I'm building here on my Instagram page @mabesloh. Along my journey the past 12 years, I have picked up a few self-love rituals, which I hope you'll find useful.

Practical Steps to Body Love (Even When It's Hard)

1. Focus on What Your Body Can Do: Instead of obsessing over the number on the scale, celebrate what your body achieves. Can you lift heavier weights? Run a little further? Play with your kids without getting winded? These are victories worth celebrating! And that's what I've always reminded my community members - to look beyond the scale, and start thinking about how your quality of life improves!

2. Surround Yourself with Positivity: This was a game-changer for me. I started following body-positive influencers and surrounding myself with people who uplift rather than criticize. Your environment shapes your thoughts, so choose wisely! I have long stopped following fitness accounts that focused on methods to carve a 'body of your dreams' and followed empowering brands with a more holistic approach to sustainable fitness. If you'd love to check them out, visit my Instagram page for more!

3. Practice Daily Gratitude: Now this is my favorite ritual every morning: even before I check my phone, I wake up to the sound of birds chirping in nature (a healing alarm clock jingle), pop in my earphones for some relaxing tunes and turn to my journal for some gratitude journalling. The next thing I do is focus on saying something kind to myself about my body: "I love you for what you can do for me, and you are perfect as you are." It definitely felt forced at first to voice it out loud, but it's become a powerful ritual for me. What we speak becomes reality. Here are some ideas of how to get started. Try: "I'm grateful for my strong legs that carry me through the day" or "I'm thankful for my arms that let me hug the people I love!"

4. Set Non-Scale Goals: It took me a long time to realize this but our worth isn't tied to a number. Isn't it crazy how we let our size define who we are? It's a metric for us to get clothes that fit and feel comfortable! Start by setting goals that focus on how you feel, what you can do, or how your clothes fit, rather than just your weight. It's similar to the concept of focusing on what your body can do, but being more specific with what metrics you'll be using to assess progress. Of course, you can still use the scale as a tool, but that is all that it is - it doesn't DEFINE who you are as a person!

5. Be Patient and Kind to Yourself: Lastly, the most important tip I've worked on is to remember that self-love is a practice, not a destination. There will be good days and bad days... and that's okay. We're human after all. Progress is what matters, and not perfection! This is my favorite quote - both on my fitness journey and in life: "Fail forward faster." Even if you've gone off track a day or two, what matters is that you learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward with kindness and compassion.

Navigating Cultural Expectations

Now this segment is meant for those who struggle, just like me, living in a hyper-critical society! Embracing body positivity can be challenging when it goes against cultural norms (since we're all taught that our physical appearance is common fodder for conversations). I've amassed some strategies that might help; do let me know if any of these resonate:

1. Reframe Our Perspective: I used to take it all to heart when a relative would comment on my weight or appearance. But what I've learnt is that my anger stems from believing that their words hold weight. I have since then moved on to realize that it's a misguided way of showing care, and their personal experiences have shaped their own narratives of self-worth. We can always choose to stay aligned on our own journey and cultivate the inner strength to brush off their well-intentioned comments!

2. Set Boundaries: This is a tough one - it's often hard to set boundaries when our loved ones think it's their prerogative to comment on our looks. It's definitely okay to politely tell people that you prefer not to discuss your weight or appearance, but in Asian societies, especially with nosy relatives - sorry Aunty Long, I'd love to chat but definitely not about my weight or love life - the gentle approach works best. Try subtly steering the direction towards another topic - perhaps the latest news or asking about how they have been doing instead! Offer them the tastiest meal on your plate or share about an exciting, juicy bit of news you've heard recently... not the most direct method but this is a great strategy for beginners!

3. Find Support: Connect with others who are on a similar journey of self-acceptance. Having a support system can make a big difference! This is what I've spent the last three years doing - building a community of like-minded women here at AMFIT, where there's no judgment and safe space for women struggling to find their footing in the male-dominated, aesthetic-focused world of fitness!

The Power of Perspective

Lastly, I know that turning to self-love from self-hatred is not an easy shift in perspective. I still remember vividly when one of my community members had already lost 18kg after a few months of training with me, but all she could focus on was how far she was from her 'ideal' weight. It really saddens me... but unfortunately this might likely be echoed in your own narrative! We're often our own harshest critics. But imagine if we talked to our friends the way we talk to ourselves.

Shocking, right? Here's a powerful quote that I absolutely love, reminding me to focus on what's truly important:

Your body is the least interesting thing about you.

Your body is a vessel that allows you to experience life, to move, to grow stronger. It's worthy of love and respect for that alone!

Pro tip: if you need some external motivation, try going by the economic rice stall - they'll always be there.

A Message to You

If you're reading this and feeling overwhelmed, know that you're not alone. I've been where you are. I've felt the frustration of trying every diet, the intimidation of walking into a gym, the dejection of another failed attempt... But I promise you, there's another way.

You don't have to punish yourself to see progress. You don't have to hate your body to change it. In fact, the most powerful transformations come from a place of love and appreciation.

So, start today. Find one thing about your body to be grateful for. Set a goal that has nothing to do with your weight. Surround yourself with positivity. And remember, you're on a journey. Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

Ready to dive deeper into this journey of self-love and sustainable fitness? In my latest episode of The Whole Gains Show, I deeply personal episode, I open up about my lifelong journey to self-love and body acceptance, sharing raw, vulnerable moments that shaped who I am today. Tune in to this full episode to hear about the daily self-love rituals that have helped me learn to love my body for all that it is and start embracing the person you are today! Remember: You are worthy of love and respect, exactly as you are, right now. Your journey to fitness should be about nourishing your body, not punishing it. And trust me, when you approach your health from a place of self-love, the results will surprise you in the best way possible. Just as it has done for me.